Family Update

As most of you probably know, we just recently shared that we lost another baby a few weeks ago on Thursday. This is our second miscarriage in five months, and our hearts are broken. And to be honest, there are not words to describe what it feels like to lose not only one but two children. Each loss has been significant in its own way.

When we lost Ezekiel in December, it took me so long to recover physically. After my D&C, it took me a good six weeks to stop bleeding. I literally felt like the bleeding woman in the Bible who prayed and ask God to heal her of her bleeding. Because it took so long to heal physically, I felt like that played a huge role in how I recovered mentally and emotionally. I had a lot of anxiety after I lost Ezekiel. I had to mentally prepare myself to go to the bathroom because I was so afraid of bleeding again. I was consumed with making sure that my cycle came back and trying to have another baby. And then when I thought about having another baby, I was consumed with the fear of losing another baby. The last memory that I had of our son Ezekiel was seeing his lifeless body on the ultrasound screen, and I can’t even explain to you how much that image haunted my mind. It was like that moment was on repeat in my brain. And those 12 weeks following his death was the darkest time of my life.

During those 12 weeks, I did spend time reading my Bible, praying, seeking the Lord, and asking him all of my questions. I asked Him all the time WHY?!?! Why Lord, WHY ME?!? And although I never got an answer, I felt his presence close by me. Even in the darkest moments, He always brought a song or a verse to my mind that would comfort me in the midst of such pain. After I stopped bleeding I began stressing about my cycle. I was not able to get a period back after losing Ezekiel. And then my mind went to the worst possible scenarios. I remember believing that I was never going to regulate and I would probably never be able to get pregnant. (Satan is so good at planting seeds of lies in our mind and turning those lies into full blown WEEDS!) So I bought all sorts of fertility trackers to try and figure out what was “wrong with me”.

After spending way to much money and stressing for the next six weeks. I remember praying and saying to God, “Okay, enough is enough. I am just going to give this whole situation to you. You know what my body is doing, and you have a plan for my life. And I know that is true because your word says so!” (Jeremiah 29:11) I threw away all of my ovulation kits and pregnancy tests. I asked God to give me some sort of word to carry me through as I waited on him for the restoration of my physical body. And in that moment, I felt like he said “Hannah, you have to choose joy.” Each and every moment of every day, no matter what your circumstances, you need to choose joy.” So from that moment on, I decided that I was going to wake up every day and choose to be joyful. Even when I felt like crying, I was going to ask God to bring things to my mind that caused me to be joyful. And when you ask God to give you joy, let me tell you He will give you joy. Don’t get me wrong, there was still moments where my heart physically ached from the pain of losing Ezekiel. And honestly even to this day, there is not a moment where I do not wish that I was still pregnant with him. I would be 37 weeks pregnant with him right now. And my mind still thinks about what life would have been like had he been born in a few weeks. But my heart knows that I have a good good father and even though I do not know why we lost our son, I am comforted knowing that he is in the arms of Jesus. He never knew pain or sadness. And I have a beautiful present awaiting me in heaven!

One month after I threw all my ovulation kits away, I found out that I was pregnant with my rainbow baby. We quickly nicknamed this baby Jubilee. Because we were celebrating, God had heard our desire for kids and he had answered! We were due on December six of this year. Now I won’t go into this story so much because it’s on my Facebook live video. If you have not watched it, I will link it at the end of this blog, if you are interested!

I can’t explain the amount of anxiety I had leading up to that appointment. The night before my appointment, I said to Adam, “I need to get out of the house and go do something fun because I can’t stop thinking about tomorrow.” So I went out but I couldn’t shake the worry and fear. The next afternoon, I went in for our 12 week ultrasound and found out that our baby had no heartbeat. You can imagine the devastation when I realized that my greatest nightmare was happening again. That same image I had of my lifeless son Ezekiel is now the same image that I have of my next baby as well. You guys the PAIN… I can’t even tell you. I was so shocked that I started puking. My whole world was turned upside down in a matter of minutes. I went from dreaming about the summer of being pregnant and a Christmas full of baby cuddles. To trying to figure out when I was going to have surgery.

After talking with Adam, we decided that I would have a D&C that night. So at 8PM. I had surgery and returned home by 11PM. The days and weeks following that horrendous day have been really hard. I have had a lot of physical pain, but mostly emotional pain. I had so many hopes and dreams for my sweet baby Ezekiel and now my sweet baby who is with Jesus, and to be honest, it has felt like those dreams were ripped away from me. But the reality is, we live in a broken world, and being a follower of Jesus does not always mean that life is going to be an easy walk in the park. Life is hard! It is so hard! But a life without God is even harder. Where is our hope when all else fails and our world  is falling apart? Our hope is in the Lord. I am so thankful that even though I will not see my babies on this side of earth, I will see them one day. Death is not the end my friends!!! And praise God for that.

**please note that what you read below is only from my nonmedical brained research!**

After having two miscarriages, I was tested for many different “things” (for lack of a better word). Lots of tests were run, which meant lots of blood draws, and scary “potential” sicknesses or causes for miscarriage. All of the tests kept coming back as normal. One week after I lost my sweet baby, the doctor called me to say that I tested positive for Anti Resistance Protein C. (This basically means my blood is thicker than most peoples). Which is a flag to then test for a clotting disorder called Factor 5 or Factor V Leiden. The test for Factor Five came back a few days later as positive. I have a heterozygous (this means that I have one gene from one parent) blood clotting disorder. Which means that I am more prone to blood clots throughout my life, but I am most susceptible to developing them when I am pregnant. Now, there is not enough research to support that Factor Five causes miscarriage in late first trimester pregnancy. But, it seems to be my only risk factor. Sometimes people with Factor Five can have perfectly healthy babies and then something can trigger the disorder and then they may develop clots and some may miscarry. But generally, the miscarriages are found in second and third trimester patients. But the Factor Five disorder affects every individual person differently which means that it could have some influence on my miscarriages but there is not enough proof.

So the question everyone asks me: Is this disorder treatable? Will you have more kids? The answer to more kids is, that is up to God. I can’t fathom trying for another baby at this point. But if God wants to bless us with another baby then we will be overjoyed! There is a treatment for people with clotting disorders, but there is no guarantee that it will work. Which is with anything, there are things that can help, but there is no guarantee. So after seeing a hematologist (Blood Specialist), she has recommended that I start taking aspirin every day and then whenever I get pregnant again, that I start taking a self injecting blood thinner called Lovenox. I have also started taking Mannatech supplements every day and cutting out gluten from my diet. Will this give us a healthy baby? Not necessarily. But can my hope be in a medical or dietary fix? NO! My hope has to be found in the Lord.

As my mom reminds me every day, we look to the future with hope. And that hope is that we have a God who loves us more than we can imagine. Who is with us through every trial using it to make us more like him. Is it painful? Yes. Could it continue to be painful? Absolutely! But what I know to be true is that God is with us every step of the way. I have continually felt His presence. He has been continually pushing back the lies of the Devil, and bringing people into my life who remind me of the truth when my mind is fogged up by the lies around me. He has given me strength to wake up and face each new day. He has blessed me with a husband who loves me through all of my shortcomings, breakdown, ugly cries, and sadness. He has given me one beautiful daughter, when realistically, I could have never had her! In the midst of pain, it is often easy to lose sight of the joy around us. SO, I am trying with all of the strength that God gives me, to wake up every day praising, thanking, and loving Him. And not for all that He does for me, but because He is a good good father, and he is using this hardship to bring about something beautiful in my life. It’s so painful right now, but one day, I am going to see the good. And although I have asked God “Why” so many times. The reality is, I may never know why this side of eternity. But God does know why. And it comforts me to know that the God of all the universe is creating a beautiful canvas of my life, just for me. And although some parts of that picture seem blurry, ugly, and unloving to me. The reality is, I am only seeing one part of a massive picture. And it is impossible to detect the whole picture when you are only looking at the corner or the middle. But one day, when I get to take a step back and look at the whole picture that God has created for me, I guarantee you, I will say Thank You God for creating my picture this way.

*This is my story this is my song. Praising my Savior all the day long.